Friday, May 2, 2014

How I spent My Spring Vacation

I went to Uganda.  Yeah.  If I told you how I got there, you'd slap me, but then you'd realize that it really was God and not me making a really stupid and dangerous choice.  I'll spare us both that little process.

The following is my journal that I wrote while there, meant for friends, under my mosquito netting, in bed with lizards.

Day 1
I am sooo glad we came during "winter". I like heat but not the humidity. Africa smells like what you'd imagine. Dank and thick and earthy.  We are staying with Mama Irene and Papa Irene, who have a daughter named????? Anyone wanna guess? Irene! The hardest thing we are dealing with so far is the bathroom situations. We are walking the line between dehydration and having to go more than we would like to. No such thing as a shower or bath here. 

Had a good time in church yesterday. Esther (who invited us and set all this up) is translating, and her husband Godfrey sits on the sidelines and does the backseat translating. He says normally when Americans come, they only speak 15 mins. He is the skinniest person I have ever seen.

Everyone is very friendly and all most all of them seem to be able to produce a guest book out of thin air that they want you to sign.

Joshua is our driver and he decided he wanted to take us home to meet mama, and if you think you can't go 60 down a dirt road, you'd be mistaken. Meeting mama entailed meeting his sisters and father and all the kids as mama runs a boarding school. They sang to us and we have some video. Joshua's sister and I hit it off immediately and they had started this school last year, so all very new and experimenting to make it work. We went up to the garden and discussed some of the problems they are dealing with and what they are trying. It's all very well planned and impressive. 

Day 2. 
No Joshua today. We were supposed to visit a bush school but he didn't come to get us. Irene said she wanted to take us. I thought "Oh, Irene has a car!" You can't get a car to Mama Irene's so I thought we had to walk to where it was parked. Nope, we walked all the way to the school which was very nice since I got to really look at all the flowers and bug Irene for names. We met an older gentleman along the road who wanted to know if we were doctors. I explained and he was very appreciative that we had come and giving us props for walking in the bush. 

I had been secretly wanting to get to the Nile but didn't know that there would be opportunity for that, but we were supposed to speak in Jinja after the school. We had to walk back out to the main road to meet our ride who turned out to be a white woman in an SUV.  Her name is Theresa Daley and the connection here is that she was at an event where Melody was speaking.  Melody prophesied to her that she would be going out of the country soon.  Theresa went from there, directly to Macy's and bought luggage by faith.  God established her in Uganda, and Godfrey, Esther's husband is on her staff.  Do you smell the set-up yet? LOL!  Melody's always praying to see the evidence of her words.

We were so surprised and relieved. She took us to a real toilet and then Jinja. We were met by the pastor who told us no, there is not time for us today. I knew that was really God, and we all went down to the headwaters of the Nile, prayed, did our frequency things over the water and Melody and Sherry prophesied to Theresa, Esther and Godfrey. Then we had to hurry up and get to Idudi, which is a predominately Muslim community to preach out there. Getting to Idudi is one thing, but finding the church is another. It was way out in the bush and we got lost. We failed to go left at the mango tree and were running around and Godfrey is on the phone most of the time getting different directions from everyone, because apparently "I don't know" is not something one says out here. We pick up one friend who is supposed to know but doesn't. Her and Godfrey are riding in the hatchback area. Then Godfrey is on the phone with someone else and yells "stop! There she is!" We see a little 10 year old girl with a phone up to her ear on the road, so she climbs in and I'm wondering how many people we can get in this car.

So we got to church late and nobody seemed to mind. They were just happy to have us and we got home way too late and had to walk in slick mud in the dark in a dangerous place. Mama Irene had apparently been waiting for us at the bottom with a flashlight. And we are scheduled for Idudi again tomorrow which none of us are thrilled with. We love Pastor Sarah but it's just a long way at the wrong time of day, driving at night is very dangerous. 

Funny of the day: Godfrey yelling as he tries desperately to manage unruly American women; "I can't lead you if you won't stay together!"

On the way home, I'm silently asking God for strategy about the issues here and Godfrey who has been jabbering away in lugandan, out of nowhere says, "you have to forgive before you pray." Aha! Of course!

So it was a day of desires fulfilled. Sherry got her walk, Melody and I got the Nile, and we all got to go to the toilet.

Day 3
We got a fire under our butts today and went back to Pastor Zachariah's church (the guy who said no) and he let us go and prophesy to a group of business people. It should have been videoed. Melody was bringing it and the interpreter was all fired up and yelling and waving his arms. Melody explained our Nile trip and at the end, Zachariah got up and told the audience that in 1983, three American women came and did the same thing at the headwaters of the Nile (I'm sure it wasn't the same) and then he announced that we would be back tomorrow. This means we are double booked. Theresa made sure we got hamburgers and milkshakes, and back to the toilet. She is a godsend. She has been in Uganda long enough that she knows how to handle herself yet knows what would make us happy. She has family in Kamiah. Small world. I really appreciate everybody I'm with.

Melody and I woke up during the night at the same time, got our dreams down and then processed through them. Mine was that Theresa needed to not be hauling us around. Melody saw a wrecked white car. When Theresa came she said she wasn't feeling she could go to Idudi again. I agreed, but when time came, we all went. We turned on the bush road out of Idudi and we went "uh uh."  We stopped in the middle of the road and prayed.  Then we called pastor Sarah and explained that we did not have a release to go down the road but Sherry prophesied to her and the church. Turned the car around and went home, had a fantastic drive and conversation.

Then we arranged to meet with Pastor Moses and he is wonderful. We explained that Zachariah had announced rather than asked us to come back and he let us off the hook because we would be reaching more on the radio via Zachariah where Moses' church is small. He says the more Ugandans we can reach, the better. We are still going there Thurs and Fri. Lots of shifting going on with schedules. Godfrey and Esther are staying flexible with it all and getting more comfortable with us.

Day 4
Day 2 at pastor Zachariah's church in Jinja. I got some video this time. You'll have to check out my youtube channel.  Then we went to an Internet cafe which was much needed and then to Theresa's house on the Nile to finish up on wifi. The atmosphere at her house is completely different and a nice break. 

Day 5
Another fun day. Kicked it off with a front porch deliverance session, then Pastor Moses' church which was great. He wanted to have a sit down afterwards which was very nice to visit and productive. I really like him. Then downtown, where I bought Joshua lunch at the white people restaurant. He had fried chicken, French fries and a milkshake. Then he got up in church and testified about it.  Joshua can't believe what we eat, never mind that they also eat chicken and potatoes, just fixed differently. Esther makes the best potatos btw. You don't miss butter or gravy. Arthur on the other hand was asking about other things we eat and doing the charades, he gets to the crab pinching motions. "Yes we eat crab and lobster." He makes the ewwy face and says "I can't believe you eat that!"  Now you know how we feel.

Then to Godfrey and Esther's church which was pretty good. I'm videoing when I'm not busy up front which meant about 20 mins video today.

Things I have learned if you're gonna go to the bush:
  1. You need wash n wear hair - and don't expect to wash it very much.
  2. Yeah, you really do need to pack your own toilet paper
  3. You also need to bring a tasty friend to draw Mosquitos away from you. Melody will suffice.
  4. Put odor eaters in your suitcase for dirty clothes.
  5. You can get all the advice in the world from people who have been there, and in the end have to throw it all out.
Day 6
Back to Moses' church and that was enough for one day as we are tired. He has the gift of hospitality. He brings in bottled water while the service is going, and then he wants you to hang and have a coke with him after. We are resorting to pills to sleep right now. It's just hard. It's a good time but hard. And we seem to be gaining an entourage, which luckily we can leave on the front porch and go in and shut the door when we get tired.

Day 7
Downtime today and I am watching Irene water the garden. She has a garden in Kampala also and grows medicinal things so we have something to talk about. She has a tremendous sized coleus too and I explained the flowers make your dreams more vivid so it's easier to remember. We went to Njeru and she pulled up some vinca and transplanted it in the garden in case somebody gets sick and can't make it to Kampala. 

The Ugandan's threw me a birthday party.  Wrong day, but who am I to argue?  Cake and presents!  And a very long birthday song that I wish I had video of!  I got shoes made out of tires, lots of jewelry, big paper thingie... Photo album here... 

Really, God seems to have us on business and dealing with people's limited thinking, and identifying a few key people to "break out" and set an example and be an encouragement to others. I'm not feeling like I want to give these people all my money, which is my usual MO. They really need to think bigger. They need the prophetic. Everybody's in business but their impoverished neighbor is not going to be their best customer. The other thing we've been on is the generational deliverance.  

Day 8
I have been in church more times in the last week than in my entire life. I'm not feeling the need to butt heads with religion like I do in the states, I'll leave that job to Godfrey. He has a gentle way of explaining things.

What a long week. We are easily annoyed and easily amused at this point. Nothing sleep won't fix. And moving more into the bush from here. 

Day 9
We have no idea. We knew to go preach in Nkokonjeru and thought we were then going to Mokono to live, but we got out of the truck in Nkokonjeru and they started unloading our bags. Anyway, we are staying with a woman who is wealthy by Ugandan standards. She has a maid, electricity, tv. She hosts all the ministry people and has everything you'd want. You know, not actual running water, but nice.

Day 10 
We had a nice breakfast with Harriet. She works as an accountant for the govt, came home for lunch and fed us, which is more than the one meal a day we been getting. Sherry is running a fever and Melody had a dream warning that she needed antibiotics, so waiting for that to kick in. My stomach would like me to stop throwing weird things down there.  One day we ran out of water and I ate a papaya for fluids.  Not used to so much fruit. Basically, at any given time one of us is sick but mostly pushing through.

We had a hard time at church today minus Sherry. Lots of witchcraft in the meeting, to the point of actually stopping the meeting to pray.  Melody spoke and did not open it up for prophecy this time, where we ministered to every single person including babies the night before. Melody sat down and pastor wanted me to get up there and say something so I prophesied to him, which might have included the phrase "stink eye" so I'm not sure how that translated.

We've been trying to understand what the deal is here, and nobody's talking because "it's too bad." We did get canibalism out of Esther and Godfrey.  I got the scoop from Joshua later.

Day 11 (my birthday)
Never say never. I thought no way would I ever get on a boda boda, but when you're broke down in the middle of the bush and working on your sunburn, apparently you do whatcha gotta do. We were supposed to speak in a church nearby and pastor Joseph was taking us in a very old Toyota Corolla which broke down. Melody had had a dream that we were going to have trouble getting out of Nkokonjeru. So some guys come by on motorcycles and everybody's working on the car, but they eventually give up and Godfrey breaks the news to us that we are going to church on the bodas. Dangerous and fun, and a very scenic ride. We are in a higher elevation so it's cooler and you can look out over palm tree tops and see mountains and valleys. Sherry asked me if I had ever prayed for an exciting birthday, could I please cap it right there. We finally got to church, it was very free, very welcoming and a good time. Then we went home on the bodas, at which point I got a burn. It blistered up but I don't feel it.

So back to Harriet's with a half hour to eat lunch before dashing off to the next meeting at Nkokonjeru. I think Godfrey and pastors wife were not going for a repeat of the day before and cleaned the place out. I don't know what was going on but they were serious business. Godfrey had both pointer fingers out, one towards the sky and one at the ground, yelling in high speed Lugandan. Melody explained why witchcraft mixing with Christianity is bad, had em all repent and then we prophesied to everyone individually. We had done that in the morning as well in the other church and Fred, one of the village pastors was fascinated with that and wants to join NIT.  What's interesting is that I had an easier time prophesying in the hard place than the free place.

Day 12
Well, I feel a resolution of why we had to come here. I feel like we're done now. Had another great day at Chiboogoo, or however you spell that. We got there in the car this time and Pastor Joseph is a maniac behind the wheel. He basically says two words in English to us, "sorry" and "chitty chitty bang bang" which is what we named his car. Oh, the coolest thing happened in church today. Melody got the 4 area pastors to come together in covenant and do a prophetic act of an exchange. Each took something out of their pockets and passed it to the next, and then one distributed it back around. Joseph was collecting it all and Pastor Something-I-can't-Pronounce picked a caterpillar out of the handful of money, wallets and phones and threw it on the ground in front of me. I was so stunned. And nobody else seemed to catch on that the locust and the cankerworm were being prophetically cast down from their finances. So I spoke up.

Day 13
We are in Entebbe and I picked an expensive hotel!  You have no idea how all the little things excite us. We are so psyched about toilet paper, shower, air conditioning, a mirror, pillows, soft bed, ect. The only issue is I will put my clean body back into muddy sweaty pjs. So happy. So ready to go home.   Got a shower and did all bathroomy related things.  Now I'm thinking about ice in my drink.  Tomorrow, tomorrow!  Or maybe the day after...  Amsterdam here I come!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Lopez Healing

Last month I headed out to Lopez Island to catch up with some comrades for a busy weekend at a vacation house.  While I was there I hit them up for prayer for an infection that has been a problem since Dec. and had been resistant to meds. They took a "before" photo and photos after several minutes of prayer. Afterwards, still red, not purple and felt fine. I also could no longer smell infection on myself. Since I got back, 2 drs have looked at it and said that whatever it is, it's gone now and what we're looking at is residual hyper pigmentation.  

Monday, June 17, 2013

Paranormal Connections

You may or may not be aware of my involvement with "Now Interpret This!"  We teach dream interpretation and prophetic ministry, as well as provide a dream interpretation service for regular folks who need it and/or want to support our outreaches. We have always had interns scattered all over the country, or even the world, but I recently got assigned an intern that is not unreasonably far away from me.  We can actually get together in person every once in awhile. 

Our last get-together was to take a trip to a new age fair.  We are looking at places to get some practice and break out of ministry to only Christians.  We found out about this opportunity too late but decided to go anyway and make some friends and see if this is something we would want to do next year. 

We walked through and were seemingly invisible to all except a little paranormal girl.  She was overseeing a booth for the local Paranormal Society and had lots of photos set up on the table.  If you've followed this blog long, you know I'm all over that!  I book it on over there and she's showing me all her spirit photography.  The first one I looked at had a picture of a guy sitting on some stairs and a baby stroller next to him and a dark spirit looming over the stroller.  Looked like Darth Vader, I kid you not. 

So I'm looking at em and I go "Hey! Are you guys good at telling what's real and what's fake?"  She goes "Yeah!"  I say "Good, cause I got lots!"

Much to my intern's amusement, I invite myself behind the table, sit down next to her and excitedly start pulling out angel pictures, fire coming out of the bible pictures, burning bushes etc.  I was too busy pointing and explaining to see her reaction.  She verified them as real by the way, or at least she couldn't see any of the normal lighting/camera rationalizations, and I was trying to pick her brain about what can cause a camera to do weird stuff.  I don't want to be putting stuff out there if its not real.

Anyway, I got invited to hang out with them.  After getting connected on Facebook, it looks like they mostly hang out in graveyards.  I'll probably pass.  We went from there to coffee with a guy who wanted to talk to us about having a dream interpretation booth at 12 Days of Praise, which is an entirely Christian audience.  Talk about a juxtaposition.

In more efforts to break out into a different audience, we added an extra live chat to our site.  I invited strictly people who consult physics, astrologers, tarot readers and such.  Out of 130 sign ups, 4 showed. One of them informed me that our event was the same time as Paranormal Connections and she was trying to keep an eye on both. As time went on, she started engaging more and more with us.  She has a prophetic intercessory gifting, she doesn't know what that is, but I explained it in non-religious language.  She eventually revealed her real name and asked to connect outside of chat, so we're talking.  She wants to use her gift the right way, and is tired of the torment of not being able to stop what she sees happening.  For now, she tells me what she sees, I pray and declare, and she stands in agreement. 

So yeah, fun fun!  And maybe the paranormal people are my new demographic?  I could handle that!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

In Jesus

I have been working through some things this week.  I'll spare you all the details, lets just say lotta crying going on.  I talked to a prophetic friend and one of the things she said was that she saw me in front of the throne wrapped in an indian blanket.  As soon as she said it I was there.  If you haven't been keeping up with me, I translate to heaven now and then.  It was a big deal because I had been crying out, feeling like there was no comforter, no cover, and boom, I'm there and seeing it. Momentary and I'm back in the conversation.

Last night I decided to go back there and get some resolution.  Engaging the process of going to heaven happens through the sanctified imagination.  God can do His sovereign thing and get you there,  my first time was a surprise, but we can also go boldly before the Throne of Grace.  You've already been invited.  For me, I have to start off with something I can visualize, for instance picking up where I was last time.  Starting is usually a little rough, but eventually the daydream takes on a life of its own and when you get surprised, that's when you know you're not making it up.

So I'm back, with my blanket on and I stand up.  I held the corners of my blanket in each hand and stretched out my arms and asked Him to burn up all the junk.  I've gotten over my issues with the consuming fire, I was ready for something to change here, drastic times you know.  He didn't take me up on that offer.

I did get to go sit with Jesus though, well, I thought "with", but as it turned out, "in."  That's how the scripture goes right?  Seated in heavenly places IN Christ Jesus?  I never knew how that worked before.  You just sit down and merge. I was sitting like you would sit on someone's lap, expect instead of on top, I just assimilated in.  And that was new, so I spent some time moving in and out of Jesus, cause it was weird, and cool.  Lean back, I'm in, lean forward, I'm out. In... Out... In... You can totally be a little kid in heaven.  In fact, it's kinda mandatory. (Matt 18:3)  I was focusing on what it felt like when I was in vs out.  Got done playing and settled in and stayed because I could feel stuff coming off of me when I was in.  "This must be what He meant with all that 'resting' and 'abiding' stuff." 

His hands were still his hands and my hands were still my hands, and I was checking out his hands.  They are kinda thin flat guy hands.  Nice hands, but just hands.  The scars are up at the wrists.  Then he took hold of my hand and put it up over his heart, which was my heart too and then I realized they were merged.  Wow. Really?  One heartbeat.  Whoa.  Pause for cry session.  I decide that is a good place to leave spirit me parked while I run around and do stuff down here.  I know you guys are all saying "Duh", but yeah, I really didn't get it before.  Its just words on a page until it becomes my experience. 

I'm in the middle of writing a book and have so far had a lot to say about the heart, beliefs of the heart etc.  I'm still processing the depth of my experience.  And at the moment, I can't process anything, so I'm simply going to hit "publish" and go get some rest. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Filming Angels

Hi all, we've just wrapped up a weekend prophetic retreat.  House full of girls for 3 days. Par-Tay!  We had a lot of angelic activity while we were all together so I was having fun videoing with my phone.  We have a lot on camera.  Most of it is sorta personal but I do have this clip to share of Del playing the keyboard.  You're looking for little orbs whizzing around the room.  There are a few in the beginning and then bigger and better around the 4 minute mark onward (I think).  (Vid is less than 7 mins.)

If you have your doubts I suggest you film your own.  I take lots of supernatural photos, it's not that hard.  You do usually need to have digital equipment.  Perry Stone gave an explanation of why digital picks up the spirit realm but I can't remember what he said.  There is nothing like having pictures and video that you shot, that you know is not a fake. 

Just because you see orbs, don't automatically assume angels.  I can take as many orb photos at a new age shop as I can church.  Recently we were up at the headwaters of the Sacramento river and a friend was taking pictures with spectacular orb shots.  I know that we had protection there, but based on the feeling and influences, I would not assume they were entirely angelic beings. 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Treading Awfully Close to the Lines

I know I haven't updated for a while, so here's a quick note to let you know where I'm at.  I've decided to reopen a former business.  What's that got to do with God you ask?  Plenty.  Marketplace and ministry are colliding in a messy as ever dilemma. I know there's no such thing as a secular business for me, just not sure where the lines are.  But I know there are plenty of lines I can cross.

The aforementioned business is Freedom Flowers, my flower essence company.  Flower essences are not the same as essential oils.  It would be much easier if they were, because essential oils are understood and accepted by the church.  Flower essences, on the other hand are generally considered "witchcraft" or "new age". And they have a point.  The new age community has been the sole embracers of essences in modern times and all of the writing we have on them is from that perspective. However, God made these things and I'm taking it back.  I so see my Fathers hand in these, they are so deeply spiritual, all of them heal wounds and tear down walls and call the person back to Him. 

The business before, I was shaky and afraid and had no Christian support.  My closest allies were animal psychics, new age shop keepers, mediums...  How do I stand by myself in the midst of this?  I had to take some time off and get to know Papa better. 

So back at it, not even for a week, and my friend, my teacher, my spiritual mom is already having to stick up for me.  She says "I need to have a way to answer these people".  I had a dream that we were on trial for witchcraft and our lawyer was quoting from Luke 11, starting where Satan can't cast out Satan.  There's our answer.  That simple dream freed me immensely.  One of the issues I had in the past was the thought that if I was focusing on essences, it meant that i believed traditional healing and deliverance wasn't enough.  Maybe I was focusing on the wrong thing.  I had tentatively referred to them as "bottled deliverance" and felt guilty for making a connection like that.  Now, I'm seeing it as a covert way, for those who would not go for prayer, who don't actually believe in the demonic, to receive help.  And I'm going after the strongman. :)

So yeah, there's some opposition. You see, all of those fears that Christians in the know have about these are somewhat justified.  When you make a flower essence, it becomes very apparent that its not anything you're doing, you become cognizant of a much higher power.  You are simply the facilitator, hanging around during the process.  Who the essence maker turns to in that moment of awestruck worship, ultimately becomes a part of the end product.  There can be incantations on them, absolutely intended to transfer to you.  You do want to know your source. 

I'm finding it interesting that as soon as I said yes to reopening, I get invited to go talk about these things at Mt Shasta, which is sort of the mecca for flower essences.  Lots of flower essence companies and practitioners springing up in that area, mostly via info from channeling the local territorial spirits. Am I ready for this?  I will find out ;)  

So, I could use some prayer if you're on the same page with me about redeeming these things.  If not, I really don't need your Christian witchcraft, but I think we can all agree that I need wisdom. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

No Trace Left

After the banana cream parfait thing, and getting the generational stuff cleaned out, I started having bathroom dreams. I knew something more was coming out, but the grand finale was a short but violent "throwing up with diarrhea" dream that jolted me awake with an "Oh that's not going to be fun" response. Dreams with any kind of bathroom action in them whether it's showering, the bath, toilet, washing hands, it's all cleansing and getting rid of what shouldn't be there.

 Old issues started surfacing next. I became very aware that they were driving my behavior, and that I was not living healthy today because of what happened yesterday. One dream I had was nothing more than a review of my day, watching from a third person perspective. I watched something happen and how I overreacted to a small annoyance and then was taken back to what happened when I was younger that created a wound that caused my overreaction that day and many other days.

So this cause and present day effect went on for a couple weeks, and yeah, it was not fun.  I was crying everyday, at  inappropriate places and times like all day at work.  All this stuff was coming up and being relived and fresh and raw and open.  I had thought from the dream it would be more like ripping off a bandaid than picking at scabs.

What worked, was by a stroke of perfect timing, I got Jim Richard's "Change Your Heart, Change Your World" cd's in the mail.  I get a surprise goodie box once a month also, with the expectation that I will share all this stuff with others via our Friday night "Holy Spirit" meetings.  Everything came in the mail at once, maybe I had to feel good and terrible to be motivated to go through these resources.  I kept ripping open packages and going "Yay!  I need this!"  I'm still working through the books "Unbound" and "Finally Free", but I started listening to the cd's and knew that they were jiving perfectly with the way things were being revealed.  I actually went through these with family and it was helpful to talk about things that happened.  My perspective of what happened was not necessarily accurate.  Just one more way that the  truth can set you free.

So Jim is on Sid Roth now, so I don't have to explain how all this works.  Watch the video. Dr. Jim Richards - Sid Roth - It's Supernatural.  Here's a link to the prayer that is the crux of the whole thing.  Basically, whenever you have a negative emotion come up, you stop then and there (that means you keep it with you) and you go through it.  You do need to be very intentional about  every word you say, or it becomes just another religious exercise.  I added some things to it, it's fully customizable :)

After about two days of staying on this, and stopping numerous times a day to pull out the prayer, I was feeling pretty good.  My back and neck pain had left and I've known for years that there's no point in going to the chiropractor until I get my relationships sorted out.  And I was having less and less issues come up.  A day with no anger, no hurt, no insecurity.  It happened.

All the previous dreaming and crying had taken a tole though and I was worn out.  I came home from work, flopped down on my bed still in uniform and promptly went into visions.  The one that I remember was Jesus coming and and picking me up and carrying me into a raging fire.  First I was happy about it.  Then I thought, "This is probably gonna suck, but I trust Him."  I had the third person perspective again, watching from the bed as I saw my hair catch fire and then I disappeared into the flames.  Hair in dreams can represent our attitudes and mindsets.  Then I remembered what I added to that prayer.  "I ask you to come Lord, All Consuming Fire, and burn away any residue, any seeds, implantations or any fruit, that there would be no trace left of this feeling in my life.