So I'm jabbering all these concerns to God and getting really involved in thinking about this whole dilemma when I gradually become aware that I am sitting sideways on my Father's lap with my head on His chest and He's kinda bouncing His knee a little. And then church drama no longer mattered. He loves me. I may be screwing everything up, I may be so wrong, but my Daddy loves me and cares that I'm upset. And the church drama does matter, and it matters to Him. It's just that at that moment, me getting straightened out was not priority number one. My being secure in His love, my being comforted, took precedence.
So then I really let loose and cried. And it wasn't about the whole church thing. I was just melting really, in His love. Walls were coming down. I try so hard to get it right and I forget His incredible acceptance. I can't quit crying. And stuff like this is exactly why I have trouble fitting in.